Slacker Anger Bursts
As an actively passive slacker, I'm basically pretty laid back. I don't often freak out and squeal in a high pitched voice. There's no whining when presented with an undesirable task. I'm easily entertained yet not excitable. I almost always keep my snide and snarkier comments to myself. However, something has gone wrong. It's as though the filter between my brain and mouth has suffered a fatal injury.
Monday morning I contemplated calling into work. But since this urge didn't present itself until after my shower, I decided to keep on. To pull myself out of the dumps I decided to get coffee on the way to work. Normally, I would have gone to one of two local, independent coffee places within a two minute walk from my apartment. But since the employees at both of these places are quite chatty, I thought the Starbucks on the way would be faster. When I rolled in, there were five or six people in line. No worries, the Starbuckers are professionals. Approximately four minutes later in was time for the girl in front of me to order. I swear on the baby Jesus, the following is a direct transcript of what went down.
Starbucker: Hi! 'Morning! What can I get you?
Girl: Um, I think I want coffee.
Starbucker: I can totally help you out with that.
Girl: Yeah...what kind of coffee do you have here?
Starbucker: We can pretty much do anything you'd like.
Girl: Ah, so what's good?
Starbucker: Well, we have iced coffees, which are really popular now with summer coming. And frappucinnos are always popular. And we have a Joya Del Dia Blend which is fantastic.
Girl: (bewildered sigh) I don't know. I think I want something to eat, too.
Starbucker: Okay, everything is in that case. (the case was filled with muffins/pastries)
Girl: I need, like, a sandwich.
Starbucker: We don't have sandwiches until about 11:00. In the morning we only have breakfast items.
Girl: But you do have sandwiches?
Starbucker: Yes, but not until lunch.
Girl: I'll just get one now.
Starbucker: I'm sorry, they're not available until lunch. But the blueberry muffins are great.
Girl: Ah, okay. I need caffeine.
Starbucker: That's why people come here.
Girl: What's good?
JenWhy: For the love of fucking god, he isn't asking you to split an atom and identify all six quarks. He's simply asking what you'd like to drink. How long have you been in line? Five, six minutes? That's plenty of time for your pea sized brain to figure out if you want a frappucino or latte. And guess what time it is? Not 11:00. So there's no sandwiches. So you probably can't get one, can you? I think you need to sit down at that table until you're ready to stop being an idiot while in front of me in line. Starbucks Guy, I want a grande chai tea latte with soy milk. I'm going to need it immediately if not sooner because I my head is going to implode if I hear her speak again.
Starbucker: No problem.
JenWhy: Outstanding.
Starbucker: This'll be on the house.
JenWhy: I love your patience.
Less than 60 seconds later I was crossing the parking lot towards my car. Oh, and that girl with an IQ of 55? She actually sat down when I told her to. She didn't talk and stared at the menu as if it were written in Finnish. The man in line behind me gave me a look like I just saved his three children from drowning, followed my lead and just ordered.
Monday morning I contemplated calling into work. But since this urge didn't present itself until after my shower, I decided to keep on. To pull myself out of the dumps I decided to get coffee on the way to work. Normally, I would have gone to one of two local, independent coffee places within a two minute walk from my apartment. But since the employees at both of these places are quite chatty, I thought the Starbucks on the way would be faster. When I rolled in, there were five or six people in line. No worries, the Starbuckers are professionals. Approximately four minutes later in was time for the girl in front of me to order. I swear on the baby Jesus, the following is a direct transcript of what went down.
Starbucker: Hi! 'Morning! What can I get you?
Girl: Um, I think I want coffee.
Starbucker: I can totally help you out with that.
Girl: Yeah...what kind of coffee do you have here?
Starbucker: We can pretty much do anything you'd like.
Girl: Ah, so what's good?
Starbucker: Well, we have iced coffees, which are really popular now with summer coming. And frappucinnos are always popular. And we have a Joya Del Dia Blend which is fantastic.
Girl: (bewildered sigh) I don't know. I think I want something to eat, too.
Starbucker: Okay, everything is in that case. (the case was filled with muffins/pastries)
Girl: I need, like, a sandwich.
Starbucker: We don't have sandwiches until about 11:00. In the morning we only have breakfast items.
Girl: But you do have sandwiches?
Starbucker: Yes, but not until lunch.
Girl: I'll just get one now.
Starbucker: I'm sorry, they're not available until lunch. But the blueberry muffins are great.
Girl: Ah, okay. I need caffeine.
Starbucker: That's why people come here.
Girl: What's good?
JenWhy: For the love of fucking god, he isn't asking you to split an atom and identify all six quarks. He's simply asking what you'd like to drink. How long have you been in line? Five, six minutes? That's plenty of time for your pea sized brain to figure out if you want a frappucino or latte. And guess what time it is? Not 11:00. So there's no sandwiches. So you probably can't get one, can you? I think you need to sit down at that table until you're ready to stop being an idiot while in front of me in line. Starbucks Guy, I want a grande chai tea latte with soy milk. I'm going to need it immediately if not sooner because I my head is going to implode if I hear her speak again.
Starbucker: No problem.
JenWhy: Outstanding.
Starbucker: This'll be on the house.
JenWhy: I love your patience.
Less than 60 seconds later I was crossing the parking lot towards my car. Oh, and that girl with an IQ of 55? She actually sat down when I told her to. She didn't talk and stared at the menu as if it were written in Finnish. The man in line behind me gave me a look like I just saved his three children from drowning, followed my lead and just ordered.
Leave a Comment
tvsgweblog on
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You are now a hero to me! If people are too stupid to order coffee and a muffin before the "Jeopardy" buzzer goes off, they should be forced to the back of the line. I'll take "De-caf" for $5.00, Alex! |
TheJoeD on
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NICE. I love those moments of flip-outedness. I had a similar moment a few years back when a woman tried cashing a personal check where there was a HUGE sign that said 'Sorry, No Personal Checks'. It was like the god's that command the English language entered my body and completely shut that woman down. |
